Local dog fed up with taking his human everywhere
by Lola Robins

A local dog was taken into custody when his human was left in a vehicle for an hour with the windows cracked only one inch. The blistering heat left the human dehydrated and overheated.

As Rufus, the human’s owner, was taken into custody, the dog rolled his eyes and said, “He’s the one who jumped in the truck. He’s the one always wanting to come with me.”

The human was treated at a clinic for hyperthermia and released to a foster dog for safe keeping.

Local gripes, “People still can’t pronounce ‘Methow’”
by Sally Fourth

Local rabble rouser Jedediah Holcomb provided a public service last weekend by standing alongside Hwy 20 on Washington Pass brandishing a sign that read, “Methow is said Met-HOW, dummies!”

“It’s my civilian duty to notify the tourists that if’n they’re going to sound like they’ve been here before, they might as well pronounce the valley’s name correctly.

“He’s really doing us all a favor,” said retail clerk Delores Cunningham. “I hear Mee-thou probably ten times a day. It really wears on your nerves.”

When asked whether or not he would continue to picket the tourists, Holcomb responded, “I’m fixin’ to do this until every igner’nt tourist can properly pronounce Met-HOW. I’m like a bodhisattva of the local area, so to speak. I reckon I’ll be here forever.”

Holcomb has spent the last 60 years in the same trapper’s cabin and claims to have bathed for every presidential election.

A delinquent marmot watches workers survey damage at the Wagner Pool in Twisp as he enjoys what is likely his last smoke.

Twisp to execute marmots
by Ima Tell

The Twisp Town Council is inviting the public to participate in a mass execution of marmots that gnawed their way through the bottom of the Wagner Memorial Pool, emptying it of water overnight.

“We knew we had a leak somewhere in the town’s system but we couldn’t figure out where it was,” Superintendent of Public Works Howard Moss reported to the council during last night’s meeting. “Early this morning I checked the pool and found there wasn’t a drop of water left in there,” he said.

Moss said he alerted Police Chief Paul Budrow, who promptly deduced that the critters, who recently have been chewing their way through town at an alarming rate, had vandalized the pool. Budrow called in reinforcements and by noon, law enforcement officials had rounded up and caged 543 marmots. They are being held in an undisclosed location to thwart any attempts by animal activists to set them free.

The marmots will be shot at a date and location still to be disclosed. Any citizen willing to pay $2 for a special one-time permit fee can help dispatch them, the council decreed. The income from the fees will be used to help repair leaks in the pool.

An artist's rendering of the new dam in town shows the careful attention paid to aesthetics.

Chewuch River dam to begin construction
by Lexi Kahn

The groundbreaking ceremony for the Chewuch River Dam will take place at 6 a.m. on Thursday (July 3).

The Chewuch River Dam is to be located 25 feet from the Methow/Chewuch confluence. Tourists will get a lovely view of the dam from the Spring Creek Bridge. Dam Developer Mitt Bronson said that the new dam will also get rid of all the pesky eagles.

“We see this project as clean energy,” said Bronson, a Washington—the other one—native, “this will clean up the area immensely. It will, in fact, eliminate salmon carcasses, creepy dead-thing-eating birds and probably those annoying cougars.”

The new hydro-electric damn is scheduled for completion July 4 of 2018. The project will be able to power an entire housing and condo development between Spring Creek Ranch and Wolf Creek Road. Bronson said, “We see this as a huge step to compete with OCEC, as well as to provide light for three Starbucks, a Best Buy, and the plastic utensil factory.

Winthrop Town Council member can’t wait to talk about weed again
by Renee Sayer

In an interview yesterday, a Winthrop Town Council member noted that he couldn’t wait to talk about weed again at the next meeting. After more than a year of bringing up the pot issue at every damned meeting, he’s really getting excited about the next round of discussions.

“It get’s everybody all riled up,” said council member guy who didn’t want to be mentioned. “This is the most fun we’ve had in council meetings since we approved the mechanical bull for the wedding last year.”

The council member added that he plans on implementing no less than 12 puns during the conditional use hearing. Upon his disclosure of his “pot pun” list, the journalist concluded that they were all terrible.

The puns to be used include “now, I’m not one to stir the pot, but…” and “couldn’t you move your retail space some place else? You’ll be high and dry up there,” and “Will this be located next to the weed and feed store? Cheetos, anyone?”

The council member was laughing so hard at the rest of his list, he was no longer available for further comment.